Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Usage Guidelines

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button