Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

[in the bedroom]

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: whoops my bad

HER: and in my eye

ME: sorry I can’t control it

HER: have you ever painted before

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole