Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…

Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel