my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”