my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?