my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Happy Taco Tuesday
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
certified hallow’s eve classic
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.