Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

wishing you and yours all the best

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

Butt weight. There’s more!

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”