Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.