My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.