Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

And bowling should be called pinball

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I will cook for you

-me, threatening

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.