My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
🙋♀️
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
The USS B port
