My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.