@0point5twins

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

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@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@imadepoopstoday

Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.

@jordan_stratton

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

@thenatewolf

Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@ccthegemini

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@steveolivas

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.