My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office


Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached


ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion


Walk up to someone drinking coffee and ask them if their coffee tastes different today.
Then smile and walk away.


“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever


Telescopes probably use mirrors which means there is absolutely no way to know how many vampires there are in space.


In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.


are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala


Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied


I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.