My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense