Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

[At the pearly gates]

Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?

Saint Peter: the book was so much better.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.