My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Camel dough
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats