My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!