Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

7: I’m beating you!

Me: Ok.

7: I’m way ahead!

Me: I see that.

7: I’m gonna win!

Me:….

My son on the carousel horse in front of me.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

I have so many questions.

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone