what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them. It will only make them angry
Flowers bee like
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.