@BatBatshitcrazy

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

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@Kateness8

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

@texasstalkermom

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

@SarahFemme

If your mom still washes your underwear, you’re not allowed to have an opinion about anything.

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@hazelmotes1

Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them. It will only make them angry

@roxiqt

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

@simoncholland

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.