My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
What’s a Messi?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo