Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.

ME: What’s the grass situation?

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY