Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit