My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
You Might Also Like
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
It’s an epidemic…
