My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
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*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I used the label maker
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.