My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
A dad and his duck
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Art by Pastelkatto
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.