My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
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approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Bruh
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.