Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close