Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

🤣

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.