My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
shampoo implies shampee
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
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