my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning