my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
You Might Also Like
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street