my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The French word for sex is croissant.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out