My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Saturday
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*