My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.