My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No