GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
[speaking to an attractive lady] “How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!”
“Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave”
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man