My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Look at this
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m too immature for adultery.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.