Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

Never deleting this app.

This is my emotional support knife.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere