Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Note to self: I am a note

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?