Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

this is the greatest thing ever

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.

some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…