My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
With a text.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha