My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes