My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You Might Also Like
Doctors texting each other.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast