Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.

Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?

Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.

Therapist: No.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Meow

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll