My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
no one ever comes back
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
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[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
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ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.![]()
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?