My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
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do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO