My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed