Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”

(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me