my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba