my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
fr
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG