Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?

I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality

Me: so when will I actually receive the shark

Loan Shark: what

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.