Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband of the year 😂

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

“I’m doing good, how are you?”

-Me lying out of my lying liar hole

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.