My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..