My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
sometimes i miss this memes
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:
“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.