Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

my first dose meeting my second

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.