Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means