As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas