Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

No one:

Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch