My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
crazy
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Stick it to the man
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.