My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
School be like
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Catering service
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Investing in beetcoin
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.