My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I’ll be mad as hell!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing