My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The fall of Netflix
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
