My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My friend is an excellent librarian.