Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

What?

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*