“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.