“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
SONOFA
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
What.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
❤️❤️❤️
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.