My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Tell the colonel to bring it
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.