Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.