Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.