My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
guilty
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them