My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you’ll need a shovel and map to find him.

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Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.


Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT


My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.


Whenever I see someone with a non-reusable water bottle I get a gun and shoot a nearby animal and say “you did that”


My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken


*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.


People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars


Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?