my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
just witnessed a drug deal
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.