My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I’m ready for Halloween this year
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.