My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
another case of gang violins
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.